SERIOUSLY, HOW GUYS TRULY FEEL ABOUT S#X WITH V#RGINS

Welcome back to Guysourcing, where a panel of helpful gentlemen answer your questions! This week, by reader request, we posed this question: "What are your thoughts about having s#x with v#rg#ns? Would you have s#x with a v#rg#n at your current age, assuming you were single? If yes, how and when would you like to be told that someone you were dating was a v#rg#n? And how have your s#xual encounters with v#rg#ns (when you weren't one yourself) differed — if at all — from s#x with more experienced partners?" Below, guys answer.

Whatever she wants

I've only ever lost my v#rg#nity, never taken it from someone. However, if I was dating a v#rg#n, I'm not sure it would be all that big a deal. I'd probably treat it like everything else when it comes to s#x: whatever she wants, whenever she's comfortable, and whenever she's ready. However, if she was one of those people "waiting for the right person" and still about my age, I'm terrified I'd assume she's some kind of crazy fundamentalist and break up with her — which doesn't seem fair. Some people obviously need to wait, but I do think s#x is an essential part of the relationship and declaring it has to be put off (particularly between two monogamous adults) is more detrimental than helpful.

The campsite rule

I don't think v#rg#nity is magical! I mean — I guess it is true that I wouldn't have casual s#x with a v#rg#n, but then, I don't think I'd really have casual s#x, anyhow. I don't ascribe to some notion of purity or innocence coming along with v#rg#nity, but you do have to take into account emotions and history — if you have s#x with a v#rg#n, you're going to be part of their person's life story. Not necessarily, but it is likely. I know Dan Savage is controversial, but his "campsite" rule comes into play, I think — don't leave a mess behind, try to make the person better than when you first met. That being said, I guess I'd want to be told, you know, around the time that it became germane to the discussion — when the possibility of hooking up started to develop.

A serious relationship

I'm 28, and I've had s#x with v#rg#ns twice in my life. Having s#x with a v#rg#n at this point in my s#xual career would be pretty weird, I won't lie. Either she'd have to be a little too young for it to be okay (I'm not sure I'd want to be sleeping with a 19- or 20-year-old) or there'd have to be some other unusual reason for why she'd gotten started so late. I wouldn't rule it out, I just wouldn't expect to encounter it.

Both times I slept with a v#rg#n, it was in the context of a serious relationship. I really wouldn't do it any other way; otherwise you'd just be asking for trouble. And even if you weren't, it's rewarding to be someone's first — especially if you don't f#ck it up by rushing things.

Wondering why

To my knowledge the only time I've ever had s#x with a v#rg#n, was the first time I had s#x. That is unless you count the millions of times I had s#x by myself before that.

If I were single I'd probably have s#x with a v#rg#n. But only if we were dating. I'd be really uncomfortable being their first if we had met at a bar or something. Even in the dating situation, if they were roughly my age, I'd be a little concerned about why they were still a v#rg#n. But I suspect I'd get over it.

"That talk"

Everyone has a first time. But when you're on the "giving" side of it (which I never have been), I'd imagine there a few things to consider or be paranoid or anxious about, more prominently, "What if I'm the last guy she f#cks?" That feels already like a weirdly heavy dose of responsibility. But what's to stop people from doin' it? Provided they are of appropriate age and get along well and all that. I wouldn't want to find out my partner is a v#rg#n right out the gate. ("Nice to meet you." "You too. I'm a v#rg#n." "... OK.") "Whenever she's comfortable telling me" would be the best answer, unless it's right before s#x, which is when I'd feel responsible asking "So you're sure about all this?" at the precise moment she absolutely does not want to have that talk.

"A clusterf#ck of lolarity"

Aside from my first time with my first boyfriend (which was a clusterf#ck of lolarity), I don't think I've ever had s#x with a v#rg#n. I don't know how I'd feel about sleeping with one today. I suppose I'd feel a little safer from STDs (which was a huge concern for me when I embarked upon my extraordinarily brief and altogether unremarkable period of hoing around on Grindr — if your online hook-up profile says "anything goes," you can just go straight out the door, thanks very much), but I try to practice responsible s#xual behavior anyway, so I don't know how much that would matter. Now, if you asked whether I'd want to be somebody's first boyfriend, somebody also in his late 20s, that's something else entirely. I want somebody who's had some practice at the whole mature relationship thing. Being a v#rg#n isn't necessarily indicative of a lack of such experience, but I won't deny that in my head, there's probably a statistically significant correlation between the two. And while I would never say that I'd demand s#x, well, if a guy expects to be in a long-term, s#xless relationship with me, that's also going to be a problem. s#x isn't everything, and I'm not Dan Savage, advocating cheating/going around behind your partner's back if somebody has s#xual performance issues. But if the communication between us is good, and if a guy is willing to work with me on our s#xual compatibility, then I can't say as that I'd automatically say no to a v#rg#n.

"Err on the side of caution"

I would have no aversion to having s#x with a v#rg#n at my current age (24). On my end of things, it doesn't bother me. Hey, you're a v#rg#n? That's cool.

I would, however, hold a much greater degree of concern for the other party. I've never been in a situation where I came close to having s#x with a v#rg#n, but if I were, I would ensure (probably doubly and triply so) that she was absolutely certain she wanted to do it. This isn't due to a poor self image or anything along those lines, but rather I wouldn't want the other person to feel, after the fact, like they gave up their v#rg#nity at the wrong time/to the wrong person/under the wrong circumstances, etc. I fully realize that some people don't give damn about saving their first time for someone special or significant, but there are many people that do, so I would err on the side of caution unless specifically told otherwise.

This tends to go along with the above, but if alcohol were involved, I'd have to give the situation some careful thought. Sure if a girl is mildly buzzed and she wants to knock boots for the first time, no big deal. But if she's having trouble walking straight and is loudly proclaiming, "We should have s#x, I want you to be my first!" No matter how inebriated I am, I would avoid doing the deed until under more sober circumstances. (That's a bit of an exaggeration as I wouldn't have s#x with a girl walking S's)

Now, if I were putting the moves on someone and they turned out to be a v#rg#n, I would hope that they would be honest about the situation. Obviously, I don't mean, "Hi, I'm Lucille, I'm a v#rg#n, nice to meet you." I mean if things are progressing towards s#x a simple, "Oh by the way, I'm a v#rg#n," would be greatly appreciated. Again, not because it bothers me, but just because I would want to afford the situation the care it calls for. If a girl is a v#rg#n, I'm going to be a bit more gentle than I normally would (not to say I normally go all p#rnstar, but you know what I mean). It's tough to try and peg down a precise time when I should know whether or not someone is a v#rg#n, other than to vaguely say at or before the time one of the parties involved is ready to have s#x.