So my boyfriend posts things on Facebook that I don't really want to see or that hurt me, such as a picture of girls, or video with hot girls, or even bits and pieces that look like they pertain to our relationship. We are long-distance and I've tried asking him before why he posts stuff like that, or if he could stop or change it, but he doesn't and he's getting worse. It bugs me so maybe I should just delete him off Facebook? He also deletes a lot of my comments when I try commenting something cute or adorable to him, he never tags me, and if I tag him, he sometimes likes it. That's it. Should I not be bugged at all by this? Should I ignore it and do my own thing? Should I delete him from Facebook and pretend I don't see?You shouldn't just un-friend this guy on Facebook, you should un-friend him in real life. He's disrespecting you and he doesn't deserve to date you. Period.
If he's posting disrespectful items on social media, knowing that they bother you, it's not very different from saying them to your face — and you could say it's worse, since it's explicitly for public consumption. Frankly, I worry that your response is to just pretend that his disrespect doesn't exist. It makes me worry about how much bad behavior you're prepared to ignore. Respect yourself — you don't deserve to be mistreated.
MORE FROM COSMOPOLITAN
Obviously, I don't know everything that's going on here. But since "he's getting worse," it sounds to me like he's trying to push your relationship to a breaking point. Maybe you should take the hint and end this now, before you give him more opportunities to hurt you worse.
I'm a 23-year-old lady, and I think I may be losing interest in dating. The last time I dated someone was two years ago. Every time I meet someone I like, I tell myself that I'm still busy with my studies because I am doing final year in psychology and next year I will be doing my honors and after that I'm sure I'll be probably be doing my master's. What can I do to balance my studies and relationship?Don't beat yourself up because you took a few years off from the dating scene. Honestly, more people should call a timeout now and again, since it can be hard to date when the rest of your life is in flux. To find a partner, it helps to know who you are first — and it sounds like you've used the past two years well. You focused and built a foundation for your career. That's healthy for you.
Juggling a career and dating is harder than it looks in the movies. On-screen, superheroes fall in love while saving the planet. On television, we love workplace dramas like Empire but only because nobody ever seems to be doing actual work. In the real world, being responsible means scheduling time for study hours and dates — not to mention finding time for sleep. It's tough.
And yet. People strike that balance all the time. Whether you're scheduling time for a date, a trip to the gym, or some downtime with friends, balancing obligations is just a part of life. Moderation is a life skill you have to practice.
Often, it begins with setting reasonable goals: Instead of saying, "I'm going to cram all weekend for my exam," be realistic. Nothing in your life is a 24/7 necessity. So, tell yourself, "I'm going to study six hours a day this weekend." Focus on your work during those hours, then go see a movie, take a walk, or, sure, go on a date. Work is a terrific first priority at this point in your life, but it doesn't have to swamp everything else.
Everybody loses his or her balance. Work-life balance, as the consultants call it, is a constant fight, no matter how old you are. Juggling iCalendars is a drag. But, sometimes, when I look at my calendar and see that work is starting to overtake my life, I use the calendar to fight back. I schedule dinner dates and lunches, softball games and movie nights. For me, there's something about seeing those moments on the calendar that gives me permission to lose myself in my work at other times. And it's nice to anticipate something other than more work.
One last thing: Please remember that your education and your career are hugely important. You should be proud of what you've accomplished. Lately, it seems like online dating has made it easy for some people to become full-time daters, who neglect developing other parts of their lives, in pursuit of the next guy or girl. Life isn't The Bachelorette. You don't have to date nonstop. You can take your time, do your work, go on one date, and wait another month before the next one. Set your own pace.
I've been with my now fiancé for six years. We just got engaged back in November, and we are very happy ... we're best friends. Recently at work, another person was hired to work alongside me to help with the workload, and this person just so happens to be a guy. He's in his late 20s and is really nice, we get along great, and I enjoy working and talking to him. That being said, I am in no way sexually attracted to him. I see him as a really awesome guy and an A+ coworker. However, my fiancé has been a bit edgy since we began working together, and every time I bring him up in conversation, whether I'm telling him about my day or we're talking about something I'd talked about with my coworker already, he says these little snide remarks like, "Oh, he's such a great guy! What an awesome person! Really, he sounds great — that's just so cute!" And it really bothers me. The other night, he confided in me that he really is bothered that I talk about him outside of work. When I asked him what he would say if this were a female, he said, "That wouldn't even be an issue ... it's not the same." I'm trying really hard to understand where this is coming from. Neither of us has ever cheated, we've been together for so long, and we're now engaged. I feel like he doesn't trust me, even though he swears he does — he says that he doesn't trust the guy. He says, "You're a beautiful girl, and you're sweet and funny. Over time, what if something does click in your head that you like him?" No matter what I say, it still doesn't assuage his worries. What do I do?Saint Augustine once wrote, "He that is jealous is not in love." That strikes me as some pious bullshit.
Instead, I think jealousy is a perfectly natural side effect of love. We may all aspire to some pristine state of mind, untainted by unflattering emotions. But we all live in the real world, in real flesh. We see couples breaking apart all around us. We know people cheat all the time, on partners who never saw it coming.
So when people say, "I never get jealous," I don't exactly believe them. I think what they mean is, "I never get too jealous." And that's fine. Like most things, jealousy is a matter of degree. A little jealousy might not be a problem, but if that green-eyed monster turns into a Hulk, you've got a real problem.
I'm bothered by your fiancé's dumb suggestion that "it wouldn't even be an issue" if you were besties with a new woman at your office. Who cares? Nobody should say half of Earth's humans are off limits to their partner. That's nonsense. And he needs to know that doesn't make a bit of damn sense.
But I'll give him some leeway here, since he's probably just feeling a little anxiety about getting married. It's frightening to put so much trust in one person, knowing that it makes you so vulnerable. Even the most trusting partners, beloved by the most faithful partners, must all feel a twinge now and then. We talk about the lifelong partnership and the "for better or worse," but those twinges are a part of marriage too.
What do you say to your fiancé? Do you tell him, "I'll never have even the slightest glimmer of a feeling for anyone else, ever…"? Maybe. But maybe you tell him, "I could have chosen to be with anyone else in the world, but I chose you. Because I love you like nobody else. And I chose to make a commitment to a faithful relationship with you because I want to build a whole life with you — and nobody else." Tell him that you are going to be together for decades — and remind him that's a very long time: There are going to be a lot of guys who are nice. Some of them will become your friends, or else your social world will constrict around you. Some of them will flirt with you. Obviously. (And likely sometime someone will tempt you — though you don't have to tell him that.)
The point is: He needs to take a look at the long view. This problem (in his mind) is not going away — and not just any time soon, but ever. He can get upset and worry for the rest of his life. He can try to put limitations on your friendships and create a dynamic where you feel that you have to hide unthreatening friendships forever. Or he can decide to trust his wife a little more. Tell him that you think the second option sounds a hell of a lot easier.
0 comments:
Post a Comment