1. Thrusting your pelvis like you're Magic Mike himself. Dude, you are not having sex with my mouth or doing some kind of Magic Mike sex dance where my mouth is a fedora you're putting over your penis and gyrating into, but also that is dangerous. Trust me, this whole thing will be a lot more fun if I have no desire to reflexively bite your penis off.
2. Staring like we're putting on a porn show for you. I don't expect you to stare at the wall like you're watching a 20/20 documentary, but staring at me creepily like I'm part of a peep show that's happening in real time is really throwing me.
3. Pushing our heads down. Don't do this. Ever. I am not kidding. Porn has lied to you, bro. We hate this, it chokes us, it's scary, never do this ever. I swear I would not lie to you.
4. Petting our heads like we're a dog. You probably think it's reassuring, like I'll think I'm doing a good job, but just tell me that with words or moans or something that doesn't make me feel like I'm an animal who lives at your parents' house who just brought you your slippers.
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5. Just sitting there like a teen boy who's not sure what to do with his hands in this situation. If you like your balls played with, I don't care if you go play with them while I'm doing other stuff. I only have so many things I can do at once and honestly, blow jobs are like juggling scarves but in your mouth somehow. God, I pray no circus performer makes that an actual thing.
6. Farting before, during, or after. This should go without saying, but I've had friends who have told me this has happened to them and the guy acted like it was totally cool. I get it, things happen, bodies are bodies, but just do your best because my nose is 3 inches from your anus.
7. Demanding a blow job (ever, but especially) because we're on our period. I'm sorry nature has rendered my body a virtual car wreck of blood, pain, and emotions, but I don't owe you shit. If you're going to refuse period sex, I hear masturbating is nice.
8. Guilting us for not swallowing. Male ejaculate does not taste great and it is literally designed to coat your throat and stay there forever until it impregnates you. Or ... well, you get the idea.
9. Stifling our creativity. Telling me what you like and what's working is good, but giving me an 18-page manual of Ikea instructions on how you want me to handle your junk is super unnecessary. Let me ~*dazzle*~ you.
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