1. Having shower sex without drowning and/or dying. If you try to have oral sex, you drown in a waterboarding situation. If you try to have penetrative sex, one of you is going to fall and hit the shower door and the other one will spend the rest of the day making sure the other doesn't have a concussion. It truly does go downhill fast.
2. Having sex while standing up without constantly having to readjust because it is not working and you know this. Your heights are never really that compatible (What is the right height for this?!) and you'll try to put on heels to see if that will help and it kind of does, but then your center of gravity is off and you're more worried about falling than coming. Skip.
3. Having sex in the ocean without water rushing into your vagina like an avalanche. And his penis is not helping matters. It's like one of those turning wheel things that just shoves more of it in there and then oh, hello, yeast infection!
4. Having sex up against a wall. Good luck doing this without hitting your head so many times one of you passes out and the other one has to drive the other to the hospital. Plus, you have to pay someone to fix the your head-sized dent in the wall or else face the wrath of people who come over asking what happened and you have to be like "sexual injury?"
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5. Having sex on a countertop. You will knock over that blender and spend the rest of the sex time cleaning up glass. You just will.
6. The Entire 69 Position. No one has ever successfully done this and you can't tell me otherwise. Even if you get the positioning right, at some point you're going to become too wrapped up in receiving to give and it's nobody's fault.
7. Trying to dirty talk without sounding like you're in a bad foreign language porn. Even if you love listening to dirty talk, the second you try to use it you just sound like a 13-year-old trying out curse words mixed with weird body part slang. Not hot.
8. Rolling around in bed without having your hair turn into a gigantic rat's nest that birds could live inside. Every single time I sleep with someone, I go from "man, my hair looks great" to "this is a pile of hay" in 10 minutes flat. And there is no deep conditioning rinse that can solve it. Believe me, I've tried.
9. Having sex in your car. For a few minutes, it's completely hot. You feel like you're 16 again, until you realize there are gear shifts and arm rests, and even if you move it to the backseat, you're not sure how much leg strength you have, but one of you might kick out the back window, and honestly those repair costs are just not worth it.
10. Having sex on the beach. Oh yeah! You're both mostly naked anyway and the wind is blowing and you smell the salt water and pfft, you have sand in your mouth. No, no, you got it. OK. Ugh, now you have sand in your butt and it's migrating to your genitals, and seriously, who does this?! Let's just go back to our hotel room, Gene. This sucks.
11. Anything that involves splaying your legs. How hard could it be to do a split during sex? Not that hard. Let's just get down here real quick. Ahh! Ahh! Nope. I'm not a sex gymnast. I see that now. Can you help me up real quick? Thanks. Girl on top in my bed? Yeah, same here.
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