I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months now, and he is such a nice guy and treats myself and my family so well, but there is one problem with him … I hate the way he dresses! He hasn't been shopping for new clothes in probably two years, and he has these ugly sweatpants that he wears quite often and I want to burn them. How do I nicely tell him I don't like his clothes or his favorite pair of pants??It's only been a few months. Even if this guy dresses in head-to-toe denim, it's a little early to make him over. Frankly, if you criticize and passive-aggressively nudge your boyfriend so soon, it's probably going to bug him out. If this were a serious issue, I'd advise you to be direct and honest. But this isn't about how he treats you. It's just superficial. So bite your tongue.
Going forward, if you want to reform a slob, flattery is your best course of action: There's nothing wrong with telling him that he looks sexy when he wears something that you do like. Later on, if you do decide to talk about it, don't be a passive-aggressive underminer; just approach it directly with a little empathy. Don't tell him that he dresses like a man-child; tell him that he's hotter than his wardrobe and you'd love to take him shopping for some clothes that are as sexy as he is.
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About a year ago, I had a little too much to drink with some friends and ended up in the sack with one of my male friends. It was great, and we ended up making a weekend out of it. And then he left, and we never spoke of it. Ever since then, every time we've hung out with alcohol involved, we've ended up in bed together, only to pretend it never happened in the morning. The frequency between these sessions is increasing, and we end up not being able to stay away from each other in situations where we should (i.e. in a hotel room where our friends were in the next bed). Every morning is the same though. We are friendly, and we go about our business. Other than when we hang out with mutual friends, we don't really talk much, and we never hang out one-on-one. I found out from our mutual best friend that we've basically been exclusive (without discussing it). I enjoy being with him and think he's a great guy, but I also think I want something more out of this. What should I do?The status quo isn't working for you, so you've got to shake things up. I can see how regular nighttime hookups, followed by amnesiac mornings ("How'd you end up naked in my bed?") could end up feeling a little depressing. At a bare minimum, I'm sure you would prefer for him to at least acknowledge what's going on. Utter silence never feels good after sex — unless, say, you're both mimes.
"We never spoke of this" just isn't going to cut it. If things go on like this, you'll erode what little trust exists — especially since you have feelings for the guy. It's good that you know you "want something more out of this." Now comes the tough part: making sure that he knows.
Text him and tell him you'd like to see him alone. Tell him how much you've been enjoying your secret flings and tell him that you two have to figure out what you're doing. Be honest that you want something more — even if you don't know exactly what that is yet. (If he asks for specifics, maybe just tell him that you'd just like to start by having a meal, alone and sober, in the daytime.) You don't have to define "more" precisely, but you should tell him that you really need to stop hooking up like this because it doesn't feel respectful or right. Tell him that the hookups have been great, but you suspect there's something more between you two than just sex.
Either way, don't let this go on too long without clarifying your boundaries. If you don't say something now, one of you is bound to get hurt when the other starts dating someone else for real.
I have been dating my boyfriend for nine months now. I really want to have sex with him, but we are both virgins. Sometimes I feel like it's a pressure on me to do it with him, but I want to at the same time. I think I'm ready, but something always holds me back. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. What should I do??!! Ahhhhhhh.We've all been there. (Well, at least those of us who aren't virgins.) It's so hard to decide when to lose your virginity — and, I hate to say it, there's no rule. There's no perfect moment. And it's different for everyone. Some people don't know it's the right time or not until afterward. A whole lot of people lose their virginity and then aren't sure if it was with the right person or at the exact right time — ever. To put it in scientifically precise advice-columnist prose: Who knows!
Not the most useful advice, I know. But here's the thing: Nobody else's advice matters. Definitely not the opinion of some stranger writing an advice column. I can tell you that it's important to trust the guy. That it's important to be able to talk with him about what excites you and scares you about sex. That it's important to be sure that he values your pleasure and understands your limits. But this is a personal, adult decision. It's about what you want — and, the wild thing is, that's going to be true for the rest of your sex life too.
It's your body. It's your life. You never have to answer to anyone but yourself. Whatever you do with your body, it's always going to be your choice — the first time, 50th, or the 500th. Guys are going to pressure you. Guys are going to tempt you. People are going to try to guilt you, shame you, and judge you. But it will always be your choice.
Your confusion is totally natural, by the way. This is the sort of big, adult decision that confuses everybody. In other words, your sex life is not so different from the rest of adult life: Everything you do is a choice between uncertain outcomes that you make based on nothing but your instincts and smarts and values. How do you decide? You trust yourself.
Do you have a question for Logan about sex or relationships? Ask him here.
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