I really like porn, but my boyfriend is very against it. I can't bring myself to tell him about it because he recently told me he felt like watching porn while in a relationship is cheating. I feel guilty for watching it even though I don't think of it as cheating. What should I do?I've got to ask where we draw the line: Are you cheating on your boyfriend withChanning Tatum if you watch Magic Mike XXL? What if you read Fifty Shades of Grey? What if, like my girlfriend, you watch reruns of Friday Night Lights and think a little too much about Coach Taylor?
Your guy is confusing fantasy with reality. Fantasizing is not the same as fucking.
If your boyfriend feels like you're not entitled to a fantasy life of your own choosing, that's a troublesome sign of insecurity and, perhaps, an unhealthy will to control your desire. There's nothing wrong with keeping your porn private, but if this relationship is serious, and he's got such strong objections, you should talk this out. Ask him why he's got such a problem with you enjoying an active fantasy life — and explain to him why you enjoy it. You don't have to share the dirty details of exactly what porn you enjoy, where, and why — but you also shouldn't have to lie about it.
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For the past year, my boyfriend of three years has been sexting other girls from across the world. He meets them randomly online, and they start to sext and send him nudes. He doesn't send any of himself because he's insecure about it. I keep asking him to stop, and we've had our fair share of issues over this. He'll stop for a few weeks, then begin again. He didn't do this before until like a year ago. What should I do? I love him to death, and other than this problem, everything else is perfect. I feel like he's cheating on me and I'm just about to call it quits, but I'm not sure if I'll regret it later on. We both believe we're soul mates, and he says I'm the love of his life. He's never physically cheated before either.I'm not sure if what he's doing is technically "cheating," but it sure as hell sucks. I wouldn't blame you for calling it quits.
A lot of people get caught up in this idea of what's "cheating" and what's not. But the word itself can be a distraction, because in an age of open-relationships, blurry boundaries, and virtual, anonymous personas, it can be hard to draw sharp lines that indicate what's cheating and what's just plain lame.
Does cheating have to be physical? If not, what qualifies as cheating online or on your phone? Is sexting cheating? If it is, how do you differentiate between cheating, pornography, and flirting? Is flirting with an ex on Facebook cheating? What if you talk about sex with an online stranger? How do you know which Snapchat messages are cheating and which ones aren't? You can get lost trying to label it all.
Couples can define boundaries in all sorts of ways — from swinging to married monogamy. But usually it's not just the physical kiss or sex that's a betrayal. It's the lie and the disrespect that stings. In other words, you don't have to define what your boyfriend's doing as "cheating" to say that what he's doing sucks.
Did he lie to you? Yes. Did he disrespect your relationship? Absolutely. Will he be harder to trust going forward? Yep.
He says he hasn't touched or met any of these women. And he says he hasn't sent any pictures of himself because he's insecure. And that he's never "physically cheated." Maybe that's all true. But it's going to be hard to trust him, since he keeps promising that he's going to stop and yet he keeps doing this — even though he knows it hurts you.
You have good reason to worry. You should break up soon if it feels like this is part of an ongoing pattern. In any relationship, honesty isn't optional.
That said, people do make mistakes. Relationships do recover from affairs, both real and virtual. And people can learn to cope with their sexual compulsions in healthier ways. But he has to stop this online philandering — and not because it's "cheating," but because it's hurting you. If you do go forward, be careful — and be very clear that you won't tolerate more lying and disrespect.
I have been dating my boyfriend for several months now. He is kind, nice, and treats me well. The only thing that bothers me when we go out is that he is super cheap! He will ask prices of drinks on the menu if they are not listed and gives me a look when I do not want to order the "special" bargain of the night. I joked with him about it before, but nothing has changed. Am I being too luxurious or what?Obviously, you don't want to go out with someone who makes you feel bad for doing something completely normal. If he's frowning at you every time you order a regular entrée, he's being a jerk. You want to feel good on a date — not guilty.
However, without knowing more about your finances and your boyfriend's situation, it's hard for me to answer this one. If you're dating Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and he's whining about paying for your jalapeño poppers at the bar, that's one thing. But if he's a guy who works hard to make ends meet and take you out to dinner for "several months" too, that can be tough. Money doesn't come easy to most people.
I believe you when you say that he acts cheap, but I'm not too bothered by the examples you mention. You say he "will ask prices of drinks" if they're not listed. But restaurants often don't list the prices of their drinks specifically so they can overcharge you. It's absolutely fine to ask how much something costs before you buy it. If he were actually cheap, he'd just drink tap water.
Most Americans are drowning in debt because they aren't smart about money — partly because they're spending an increasing amount of that money on going out. Going out used to be special. Now we all (myself included) think we deserve margaritas on a Tuesday. And Thursday. And Friday.
We all like someone to treat us well. But what kind of guy do you really want to date long-term? You don't necessarily want a guy who spends like it doesn't matter. Because money does matter. The guy who lives beyond his means eventually finds that his bills catch up with him.
One more thought: If you really want this issue to go away, you could offer to split the check.
Do you have a question for Logan about sex or relationships? Ask him here.
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