There are certain three-word phrases no man ever wants to hear in bed. 'The condom broke', 'God, it's tiny' and 'Was that it?' rank pretty highly. And although it might not seem like a deal-breaker, 'I hate cunnilingus', I've discovered, should be on the list too.
You might think the average man would be perfectly happy not to dive under the covers to please you. But once you've been forced to tug wearily at a man's ears for the umpteenth time to keep his head above your waist, you start to understand that oral sex is, for many, considered the holy grail of sex. So there's an inevitable clash when a guy who loves giving oral sex encounters a girl like me, who'd rather allow nettles into her knickers.
Technically, I can see the appeal. But as soon as a man dives down there, my desire vanishes in an instant. I find it at once off-puttingly intimate and distancing (I want his face to be up here, with mine, rather than down there making like a merkin with a nose). As a result, I've never been relaxed enough to orgasm via oral.
And I'm fine with that. Really. I don't feel a pressing need to head to the nearest therapist, or worry that my sex life is lacking. I have plentiful orgasms and know how to ask for what I want – or, specifically, don't.
Although my partners have been understanding, it's taken them a while to get their heads around it. Like the hairdressers who insist their head massage will be the first one to make me purr with pleasure (I loathe head massages), most men think I simply haven't met the right tongue yet.
If a rational discussion isn't enough to put a man off, I'll let him give it a try, if only to prove that enthusiasm alone isn't enough to convert me. While he bobs about under the duvet, my mind drifts to shopping or the latest TOWIE scandal. Then, every now and again, his eager little face will pop up, eyebrows waggling as if to say, "Yeah? YEAH?" until he gets bored and emerges, deflated, expecting a kiss. Umm, no.
Even worse than the keen ones are those who see my dislike as a one-way ticket out of Effortsville and don't even bother to try. These are the kind of men who think sex is all about them, and believe clitorises are happy to just sit there, flicking through a copy of Cosmo, entirely undisturbed by tongues, fingers or positions that might help them reach orgasm.
Finally, there are the friends who assume that, because I don't enjoy cunnilingus, I must be bad in bed – that I lie there clad in a floor-length nightie, clutching the sheets to my chin and fearfully swatting away any man who dares to come near me.
One male friend claimed it would be a total deal-breaker, while another friend was adamant that I couldn't possibly enjoy giving oral if I didn't like receiving. "What's the point if he's not going to reciprocate?" she asked – which I think says more about her sexual adventurousness than mine. Even so, in the interest of balance, I decided to ask an ex what he really thought of my particular aversion.
"The appeal of diving under the covers is that I'm being totally attentive to pleasuring a woman – basically showing her how much I'm into her," he said. "With us, it was unfortunate that option was taken away from me, but not disastrous. It just meant I had to buy you loads of pretty things instead."
So there you have it: not liking oral isn't necessarily the end of the world, or a relationship-killer. It just means you get more gifts.
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