Ever since I was a child, I've dreamt about finding 'The One' and how he'd pop the question when the time was right (nothing fancy, just on a hotel balcony in the sunshine over-looking the Eiffel Tower). But as it happened, when the moment came it took place on my doorstep - and instead of screaming 'YES!', I felt like throwing up.
Liam* was in a band, I'd seen him around, guitar strapped to his back and thought he was hot. One day I went over to 'borrow a lighter' and we got chatting - Valentine's Day was that weekend and I asked if he had plans. When he said no, I suggested doing something really unromantic, "Like going to McDonald's?" So we did.
We clicked immediately. Liam lit candles in the middle of the restaurant which I found hilarious, and when he went on holiday the next day I thought about him non-stop. As soon as he returned, everything snowballed – we went from French fries to French kissing in the back of his car, then dropping the L bomb two months in.
His parents had got together as teenagers and he'd always been vocal about wanting the same, "I want to raise a family while I'm young and still have tons of energy," he'd say. So the idea of growing old together felt like a given. He'd sketch cards with pictures of 'our future house on the beach' inside and we'd happily name our make-believe babies, but it still felt like a long way off – and it was totally unexpected when he tried to put a ring on it.
We'd been together for a year when it happened. Liam would often go away on tour and after another stint around Europe, there was a knock on the door late at night.
When I opened it, there was nobody there – then I looked down. Kneeling on the doorstep was Liam, holding a ring. My first reaction was confused laughter, because this was surely a joke. Right? But when he didn't get up, I realised it was actually happening.
I should have felt euphoric, but instead...
This was the moment I'd been dreaming of - another human had chosen me, out of everyone on this whole, entire planet, to be their best friend forever, and wear a ring on my finger so that everybody else knew, too. I should have felt euphoric.
"Get off the fucking floor before the neighbours see!" I word-vommed, utterly panic-stricken. Yes, I was completely in love with him, but I couldn't even decide what university I wanted to go to, never mind contemplate marriage.
I tried to pull him up, but he'd stiffened. "Are you sure?" he asked, meeting my eye. I nodded, he rose slowly, shaking a little and laughing, seemingly dazed. I apologised and lead him into the house.
As Liam had got the ring from a vintage market in Amsterdam, he told me to keep it.
"It was bought for you, I saw it and knew it belonged to you," he explained."I thought it was a sign, but honestly, I don't know what I'd have done if you'd said yes. Even when I was down on one knee, I didn't know if I was really asking, I just miss you so much when I'm away and don't know how to show it," he said.
Weirdly, it wasn't a big deal for long – we did our usual thing of having sex to patch over any problems, and the ring moved into the wooden jewellery box he'd bought for my birthday - I've never worn it, and when I moved out of my parents' house, I left the ring and the box behind.
Marriage was only mentioned once more after that, six months later during the process of our horrific split. He wrote a letter saying, "The fact we still argue shows how much we both still care. And trust me, I'd marry you if I had the chance." But sadly, we moved to different cities and couldn't keep it going.
Looking back, it's now feels like our relationship never happened and it was a movie I once watched - which is crazy, considering the years I spent mourning him. In a nice way though, it just goes to show that no matter how in love you are at the time, or how many pieces your heart gets stomped into, life goes on and everything turns out okay.
He's been with another girl for years now and I reckon they'll end up doing the whole white wedding thing. Meanwhile I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that proposal in Paris, which if it comes, I'll hopefully be ready to give a different answer to.
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