1. Don't you want your man to officially commit to you? Why are you assuming he hasn't? My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years and lived together for five. We have a home and a life together. We're officially committed, but marriage isn't for us. Now let's discuss the details of your spouse's commitment to you. Wait, why are you making that face? Oh sorry, am I being rude?
2. OMG, I'd never feel secure in a relationship without being married.Then you should definitely get married! Some couples enjoy partaking in an age-old social construct that they feel helps define their love and commitment. Some don't. Potato, potahto! I actually feel more secure in the knowledge that my boyfriend is with me solely because he wants to be (and vice versa), not because we've signed a form at City Hall and kissed in front of our great-aunts.
3. But don't you want to, like, validate your relationship? Our relationship is just as valid as any couple who shares a life together and also happens to have a marriage license. Our married friends consider our relationship just as valid as theirs. There's life — and commitment — outside of marriage. There's more than one way to be.
4. Marriage is a huge milestone in your life. No. Marriage is a huge milestone in your life.
5. WHY ARE YOU DISPARAGING THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE?WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DEFENSIVE? I have no problem with marriage and respect that it means a lot to some people. I'm truly happy for my married friends. If you care about marriage and need it in your life, great! I happen not to.
6. But getting married means you're in it for the long haul. Depends on whose marriage you're talking about. Our 10-year relationship has outlasted friends who have been married for, respectively, 11 months, 1 year, one year and four months, two years, four-and-a-half years, six years, and eight years. But some of our best friends are happily married, and I'm thrilled for them. Turns out, marriage is not actually a reliable predictor of the long-term stability of a relationship. Sorry, it just isn't.
7. So do you, like, hate weddings? So do you, like, hate quinceañeras? Or Bat Mitzvahs? Or Kanamara Matsuri, the Japanese penis festival where a giant wooden penis is paraded around town to ensure fertility for people and crops alike? Or any other ceremonies that you happen to not take part in? Just because I don't need to have a wedding doesn't mean I hate weddings or don't find (some of) them fun.
8. Didn't you dream of your wedding day as a little girl? I dreamed of ending up with Lion-O from Thundercats as a little girl, but a wedding never really played into it, no.
9. Don't you want to pick out a wedding dress? Nope, which doesn't mean that I don't thoroughly enjoy zoning out to the marathons of the dress shows on TLC. Ball gown or mermaid? Randy or Monty? Why do so many people pronounce dress like "jress"? And what is with that awful "You came down from heaven" song they play at the end of every single episode of Say Yes to the Dress? Actually, I'm not convinced the producers of that show even like weddings.
10. If you don't have a wedding, you'll miss out on having a special day that's all about you, where your close friends come together with your peripheral relatives to make small talk, eat shrimp, and celebrate your love. That would be my worst nightmare. Except for the shrimp.
11. Don't you want to be a princess for a da — No.
12. But ... presents! The idea of my friends clicking through a wedding registry during their lunch hours, numbly purchasing ecru-colored fitted sheets and 12-ounce soup bowls for me from a wishlist I've created makes me deeply uncomfortable. I'm good to buy my own towels. But if anyone wants to spring for a two-bedroom open-plan loft in the West Village with rooftop access and a garden, I'll gladly accept your generous gift and invite you to unlimited rooftop parties with Say Yes to the Dress drinking games (Do a shot every time someone says, "Bling!"). Wait, can you register on Corcoran?
13. What are you going to do, refer to him as your boyfriend forever? Sure. I wish there was a term that wasn't as business-y sounding as partner, but we happen to think boyfriend and girlfriend are cuter, sexier and more charming terms than husband and wife anyway. If I met a crazy-in-love couple in their 80s who have been together forever and call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, I'd think that was super adorable — not something to side-eye.
14. Aren't your parents freaking out? How's that last major life choice you made solely to please your parents working out for you?
15. Don't you want him to put a ring on it? "It"?
16. Don't you want him to wear a ring so that other women know he's taken? No, I trust him. Also: Married men can easily remove their rings (unless they went on a sodium binge — bloating's a bitch). Married men can also cheat with their rings on if that's what they want to do.
17. But being married makes it so much harder for him (or you) to just give up and leave after a big fight. Let's agree to disagree on that point. But also, committed couples — married or unmarried — don't just peace out of a loving relationship after a big fight.
18. You guys are as good as married anyway. Why not just tie the knot? Because we don't want to? That's the awesome thing about being an adult! You can eat rice crispy treats for dinner and pick your own vacations and not have to do stuff just because someone tells you to and CHOICES ARE GREAT, AREN'T THEY?
19. Blah, blah, blah, tax breaks ... I can't hear you, your voice is small and trailing off. You don't feel very strongly about this as an argument for marriage, do you?
20. Don't you want your relationship to be official in the eyes of the law? I don't really care what the law thinks about my relationship as long as the law offers all people equal rights to marry their brains out. I do wish the law would offer both gay and straight long-term couples the benefits that traditionally married couples receive without forcing us to conform to an institution we're not comfortable with. Civil unions and domestic partnerships are a start, I guess.
21. Getting married is just what people do. You're right, the majority of people do get married. So why do you feel the need to evangelize for an institution that most of the world already subscribes to? You don't need me to validate your life choices, and I don't need you to validate mine.
22. But marriage is amazing and romantic! There's nothing like it! Except being in a happy, committed long-term relationship that you hope will last forever with the person whose company you enjoy most in the entire world? Or is that kind of like what you were talking about too?
0 comments:
Post a Comment